


Redemption

by MrsHamill



Series: Penitence [6]
Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-05-10
Updated: 2001-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 00:22:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsHamill/pseuds/MrsHamill
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some people are thicker than others.  Some take a bit longer to say what they mean.  Jim is still talking. This story is a sequel to Absolution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Redemption

**Author's Note:**

> Oy! Jim (the bastard) has informed me that he LIKES the therapist he's seeing, and he's gonna see her one more time. So this is NOT Salvation, it's Redemption, and Salvation will be next. Fox, however, is MY salvation, who makes me write in the shadow of the valley of bad grammar, and boy do I want.

* * *

I'm really sorry that I missed last week's session, doc... thanks so much for being understanding. 

Yeah, I guess that's right, isn't it? Being a doctor must be a lot like being a cop is -- your life really isn't your own, you're always on call, everybody else takes precedence. It's a tough life, isn't it? 

You're right, it does, and there are times when I feel so goddamned _good_ about being a cop -- like when there's a happy ending, when I can help a kid, or make everything better. But there's a downside to it as well. 

Oh, yeah, you got that right! And I think that's probably where my -- uh -- dislike of going to shrinks came from. You know, every time a cop wounds or kills in the line of duty we've got to go see a counselor. It gets old, doc, let me tell you. 

Now, I'm not saying there are those that don't _need_ to, like the ones that appear to enjoy killing... 

Well, no. I don't. I won't lie and say there aren't times when I've killed that, well, you know, the guy actually might have _deserved_ to die... but I don't have any hankering to play God here. I've killed a lot of people, doc... in the Army, as a cop... and it sometimes weighs pretty heavily. 

Hmmm... I never thought of it that way. Yeah. Who was it that said we're the sum total of our experiences? I know it was somebody I read in college. Sandburg would know. 

Well... good. Different, but good. Better, maybe, than it's ever been. Blair keeps threatening to toss the loft for pods... he's absolutely certain that I've been kidnapped and cloned by aliens... little jerk! He says I can't be the real Jim Ellison... and that kind of makes me sad. Because I _am_ the real Jim Ellison. And that means he hasn't been seeing the real Jim Ellison all along. 

Naw... repressing him! That's me... the king of repression. But... even though it's a bit late for New Year's Resolutions... I've made one. I'm going to talk. I'm going to tell him things, right away, let him know. No more of this surly assholishness... is that even a word? 

Heh. 

No kidding! I must have a bruise on the top of my head from smacking myself. But it reminds me of how things were before, and how much I hated them. 

Good. He's doing pretty good. I, uh, kinda checked up on him. Well, actually, Simon did, but I knew he did and pried it out of him. Simon's taking a lot of heat for Blair going to the Academy, you know, 'an admitted fraud' and all that bullshit. Somebody -- or maybe several somebodies \-- must owe Simon big time, that's all I can say. I don't know how many strings he had to pull or bodies he had to dig up, but he did it. 

So now Sandburg is testing out of various courses -- with the highest grades ever, heh, that really burned their collective butts -- and learning how to shoot and handle weapons. And fight. He had to take the self-defense course too, but it turned out he already knew a lot of it. I tell you, what that kid knows... 

Huh? 

Heh. No, I understand why you ask that. It makes me feel... oddly enough, it makes me feel kind of warm inside. I know I'll have a partner -- a real, actual cop partner -- I can rely on, one that already fits me, you know? Of course, it also scares me shitless; I can't tell him to stay in the truck any more, and I'm sure that Simon's gonna be pissed about not being able to tell him he's not a cop anymore. 

Yeah. We're good. 

The dreams. Well, they've kind of stopped. I haven't had one for a long time... over a week now. 

Actually, yeah, I did. He had all kinds of whacky theories over what they meant. You should have heard him! But when I let it slip that the dreams had changed -- and how they had changed -- he got all quiet. I didn't get up the courage to tell him the whole thing for some time, then we were on stake-out last week... well, _I_ was on stake-out and he was keeping me company... and we started talking again, and it came out. 

I think he was kind of weirded out by it, at first. We talked about what it might mean, and I asked him if he thought it meant I wanted him to kiss me. He gave me this funny look and said, I dunno, man, it's your psyche. 

Well, one thing led to another -- it was pretty late and we were pretty punchy -- and we ended up talking about sex. Not the usual macho posturing either. You know... about first times, and what it felt like, and all that shit. Sandburg admitted to fooling around with guys now and then, and we talked about that Kinsey scale you told me about. He said he felt he was probably a three. 

No, no... it didn't, I mean, to be completely honest, I wasn't all that surprised either. I guess because Blair's from such a different generation than me, for all there's less than ten years between us. And I saw a lot of things when I worked vice. I'm more of a whatever floats-your-boat type of person, I think. Just don't do it in the streets and scare the horses, you know? 

Huh-uh. Something like _that_ doesn't bother me at all. Now, maybe if he'd been a flamer, or something, and wanted to dress in drag all the time... 

Well, hold on, no, I never fooled around with a _specific_ guy, but there was always locker room shit going on, you know. I was a jock, and you know the kinds of stuff boys just through puberty do. 

Yeah, and circle jerks, and stuff like that. Didn't mean anything. 

Uh... 

Uh... 

Yeah. Well. Um... 

No, no, not _uncomfortable_ precisely. 

Oh, hell no! I haven't tossed him out for trashing the bathroom... why would I toss him out for making a pass at me? 

I just don't think he would. 

I... 

...don't know. 

Huh. No, I guess I'm not... I can't see it. But no, I'm not rejecting it out of hand. 

Doc... You're asking questions that are totally speculative here -- not only that, but I haven't got a fucking _clue_ how to answer them! 

Why? What _does_ it tell you? 

The _biggest_ redneck I know? Geeze, doc, I work in a police precinct! Um... Harry Ashford. Beer belly, gun rack, the whole nine yards. I guess he'd do. 

Heh, now that's something I'd like to see. A guy coming on to Harry. Harry'd rip his... 

Oh. 

Oh _fuck_. 

Uh-huh. 

...that I'm possibly... amenable to it. More than Harry would be, anyway, right? But... but... why? 

Okay. 

Yes. 

But... but... does that make me... 

Goddamn. You _do_ sound like Blair! 

Okay, okay, okay... wait a minute. If people are generally bisexual, then why aren't more people involved in single sex relationships? 

God... why does everything come back to culture and anthropology? I'm telling you, doc, I'm getting sick of it... 

So... are you saying I should... 

Huh? I'm confused... 

I... I... 

I think so. Maybe. 

Okay, I'll try. I love Sandburg. He loves me. There's no sexual component in that love, we just... well... love each other. But if there _were_ a sexual component in it, it would be okay, it would be acceptable, because the best lovers are friends first. 

Holy shit. I think I just figured out my ex-wife! 

Okay, okay, wait a minute. If all this is true, then why haven't we hopped in the sack by now? I mean, we've been _living_ together for years. We've held each other's heads over the toilet, for God's sake. So why would all this happen _now_... 

Oh, I've got a headache. 

But.. but... you've basically told me I'm bisexual! Why shouldn't I be freaked? 

Ha! Simon? Hell no! I'd never... 

Ah. Okay, okay. So I'm not necessarily bisexual. I'm... what. Possibly bisexual. Maybe. 

No, it's still there. But I think I understand better. 

Doc... _why_ are we discussing this? 

Yes, Blair's a big part of my life. A huge part, maybe. 

Hmmm. 

So, I need to _decide_... I need to... 

Huh. Okay. 

Well, yeah, I guess you could say that! I'll be thinking about this shit for a long time! 

Sure. And, well, doc... I wanted to say something. You've... you've really been a help to me. I couldn't have done this without you. I might have... I might have lost him. Shit! I look back on what I did, what I said, and I don't know _why_ he stayed around me! This has been long... long overdue. 

Heh. And I didn't even have to smack myself on the head! 

end


End file.
